(Knocking and blowing horns off)

OLD MOLLY (Enters, sweeping floor)

A room, a room, for me and my broom,
And all my fine company.
I’ll clean your house as clean as a berry,
For very little money.
Enter, my captain.

FOOL (off) In comes I,..

ALL (off) Shussh!

(Enter Beelzebub)


In comes I, Beelzebub
On my shoulder I carries a club
And in my hand a dripping pan
(snatches St George’s ‘helmet’ off him for ‘dripping pan’.)
Don’t you think I’m a handsome man?
(Addresses Old Molly, who sweeps out acting space)
Sweep, sweep make room for me
And all my jolly company.

FOOL (off) In comes I,..

ALL (off) Shush!

ST. GEORGE No, In comes I.
(Enter St George)

ST. GEORGE In comes I, St George, (All cheer etc.)
That man of courage bold.
If any man’s blood be hot,
I’ll soon make it run cold.
I’ll cut him up as small as flies,
And send him to the cook to make mince pies
I fought the fiery dragon
And brought him to the slaughter
And by this means I won
The King of Egypt’s daughter.

(Walks Molly round the floor)

FOOL (off) In comes I,..

ALL (off) Shush!

(Enter Turkish Knight)

TURKISH KNIGHT In comes I, a Turkish Knight (All, Boos, Hisses etc.)
From Turkey land I’ve come to fight
My body is made of iron, my arms are made of steel
My legs and arse of beaten brass
I challenge you to feel.

ST. GEORGE Guard your body and guard your blow
And see which on the ground shall go

TURKISH KNIGHT A battle, a battle, between you and I
And see which on the ground shall lie.

ALL To Horse etc.
(Both grab Molly’s broom to use as horse. Engage in pushing and pulling till both see Fool’s Hobby horse at the same time. Grab that, then they mount their ‘horses’, circle one another )

ST GEORGE/ } Right? Right? OK? etc.

TURKISH KNIGHT } Right? Right? OK? etc.
(Eventually fight. (Horse sounds from castanets.) St. George is killed by stabbing in the back on third pass)

BEELZEBUB (Picks up St George’s hand to feel pulse. Drops it)
Is there a doctor to be found
To cure this hero’s mortal wound?

FOOL (off) In comes I,..

ALL (off) Shush!

(Enter Doctor with bag)

DOCTOR (in a drunk’s accent this year)
In comes I, a noble Doctor from Spain
To raise the dead to life again.

BEELZEBUB Where hast thou travelled?

DOCTOR To Italy, Spitaly, France and Spain
All over England and back again.

BEELZEBUB How much do you charge?



DOCTOR Oh, all right, £5.

FOOL (Off) I’ll give you £15 to stay away!

ALL (off) Shush!

BEELZEBUB What diseases canst thou cure?

DOCTOR The itch, the stitch, the palsy and the gout,
Pains within and pains without.
Bring an old woman to me that’s been 7 years dead,
And 7 years buried in her grave.
If she will take one of my pills I’ll bring her to life again
(Produces ‘pills’ from pocket)

Here’s a pill for you young man..
(Gives it to St George who spits it out)

Here’s a pill for you young man..
(St George again spits it out)

(Threateningly this time, St George held down by rest of cast) 
Here’s a pill for you young man;
if it doesn’t work between now and
eight o’clock tomorrow you will be a dead man.
(St. George wakes up with much twitching)

See, he’s not dead but in a trance
I pray young man, get up and dance.
(Doctor helps St George to his feet and they dance a short jig, moving off.)
(Enter Fool)

FOOL In comes I … (Pauses, waits to be stopped)

ALL Yes, yes, go on….

FOOL In comes I what never come yet.
With my big head and little wit
(Gestures (ie small when saying big etc) wrong way
round. Shakes head and starts again)

No – my head is big, my wit is small,
But I’m the biggest fool amongst you all
(Applause from rest of cast)

ALL Roast beef, plum pie
Who likes it better than I
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
A pocket full of money and a cellar full of beer.

Kevin Lodge, January 1998